"So how's Vegas treating you?"

This is going to be a tad on the long-ish side, folks. I don't like to be Mr. Negative, for the most part. I spent years and years being a retarded, depressed, self-loathing idiot, until one day I woke up and realized that every minute spent thinking like that was a wasted minute. So I'll apologize up front for the "sob story" that's to follow. I'm not asking for pity, I just need to vent this somewhere, and my unseen audience here is the best place for it.

Every time I see or talk to someone from back in San Diego, I'm inevitably asked some variation on the question above. "How are you liking Las Vegas?", "How's life for you in Sin City?", etc. Every time I'm asked, I put on some fake ass smile and answer, "It's great", or something along those lines. And I'm lying through my teeth every damn time.

Don't get me wrong. The city itself is fine. For the most part it isn't that much different than San Diego. The temperatures vary a bit more, and people drive worse here than they do in Cali (however that's possible, I don't know), but that's about it. Sure, San Diego has the beach, and I loved it, but its kind of hard to miss the beach when you barely ever went to it. So why am I increasingly miserable here? There's a few reasons.

Primarily, its my job. The job is the reason I came out here in the first place, and as such is at least partly responsible for everything else. I took this "promotion" 4 months ago because the company was desperately looking for someone to fill a vacant position. The pay would be better than what I had been making at the time, and the cost of housing would be significantly lower. Within a year or two, buying a house would be attainable, and I'd be able to slowly put myself through college to get out of this line of work eventually. Yes, that means that I already knew that I didn't like what I was doing.

But I looked at it as a short term sacrifice for the greater good. I would be getting a company vehicle with a gas card, which I would be using for the majority of my driving. They would pay half of my cell phone bill as well, as I would be required to use it for work. I would be getting business cards for my customers so they would have no excuse for not being able to get ahold of me when they needed to.

When I accepted this position, I was given one month to break the lease at the apartments that I was living in at the time, find a place to live here in Vegas, and make the move. I would be given no time off in between, which meant that I would have to do all my searching and moving over the weekends. I postponed a week of vacation that was owed to me at the start of last October (my second or third week out here.

I've now been here for approximately 4 months, and I still don't have the promised company car (they've been paying for a rental for me that I have to buy all the gas for). The business cards that I was supposed to get have never been printed up. I repeatedly give out my phone number, watch them write it down, and have to repeat it every few weeks. My week of vacation? Still haven't seen it, despite constantly reminding them that I am owed this time off. As if this isn't enough, I'm putting in 10-12 hours most days, and regularly working a few hours on my days off. That must be all, right? Nope. They seem to think that its ok to continually harp on me for what I'm not doing right as I continue to learn the ins and outs of this position. My company seems to think that its ok to expect the world of me, when they aren't fulfilling their end of the bargain.

They'll be finding my position vacant once again if they don't get it fucking right.

As I mentioned above, I'm working a lot of 10-12 hour days, and putting in time on my days off. This leaves me feeling pretty beat most of the time, and all I want to do at the end of the day is go home and crash, because I know that going out and doing anything is only going to leave me more worn out than I already am. A good chunk of my time off is spent running errands, and the remainder is almost always down time.

Essentially, I have zero social life. I've been here 4 months, and I barely know anyone. The obvious answer is to go out to bars, clubs, or casinos, I suppose. But I don't enjoy these kinds of places. I don't mind going to a bar with some friends and having a few drinks from time to time, as we'll likely have other things we do together. But I don't want to go to bars to meet people and end up in the rut that I only see these people at the bars. I have no interest in spending all my social time in a place that centers around drinking. Its not fun, and I shouldn't be expected to put myself through something unenjoyable in hopes of running across other people doing the same. The people I meet through work are generally people that I can't see myself hanging out with either, since they're mostly the "dude lets party!" type of people that I would likely meet if I spent a lot of time in bars.

I'd rather meet people that want to do more outdoors kind of things, like camping, hiking, going out to the lake, rollerblading, golfing, that sort of thing. I keep expecting that next week will be a little less busy with work, and I'll have more time to get out. Then next week comes, and its the same shit all over again.

Basically, my life has been reduced to wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep. I've had people visit me here a grand total of three times. I've made three weekend trips back to San Diego to see family and/or friends. The rest has been a pretty lonely existence.

Meet some girls, you say? All I can say is that I'm batting a .000 right now. Every girl I've been even mildly interested in has shown little or no interest back. I've even gone the way of internet dating sites for the first time in my life in hopes of meeting some people. The only responses I've received to my ad (and my responses to other's ads) are russian chicks (no, I don't want to be used so that you can gain citizenship, thank you very much), and sales pitches in which a pretty girl emails me telling me to check out her profile on another site, which I, of course, would have to pay for to correspond with her further. I fell for it the first time, and when my emails to her were ignored, I wised up to the game.

I'd say, judging from the scores that various pictures that I've posted to hotornot.com over the years have received, that I'm a slightly above average looking guy. Of course, not everyone thinks so. I've received everything from a 1 to a 10. Plenty of 6s and 7s, and a fair amount of 8s and 5s depending on the picture. So, obviously there are people who find me attractive. Its with this in mind that I can't understand why I'm having such horrid luck with meeting someone.

Even the gorgeous girl in San Diego that I've had ridiculous crush on forever has had me running my mind in circles trying to figure out what's going on.

I saw Melinda through work nearly two years ago for the first time. Very pretty, but I didn't pay too much attention at the time. I see a lot of pretty girls, but I don't go chasing after every single one of them. About 9 or 10 months ago, she wasn't at work for about a month straight. When she reappeared she had cut her hair much shorter and changed the color, and for whatever reason, the new look really grabbed my attention. I started saying hi to her when I'd see her, and got the same in return, but was having trouble breaking the ice. I mentioned her to a co-worker, who decided to take it upon herself to tell Melinda about my crush on her. She was apparently flattered by it, but told my co-worker that she was in the middle of a divorce, and needed time to get that figured out before anything else.

I interpreted this to mean "not interested", and let it go. I stopped going out of my way to be friendly to her. She countered this by becoming increasingly friendly to me, by stopping me for conversation, being a bit flirty, and overall acting like she wanted my attention. I, of course, figured that this meant that she might be interested after all, and that she meant what she said about needing time to figure out the divorce before anything else. So I carried on with things, saying hi, stopping for small talk, but making no advances. But everytime I talked to her I would get butterflies, I'd get all trembly, and I felt more and more like there was that thing, that spark, between us.

Then this job offer came up, and I decided that it was for the best that I take it. I couldn't pass it up because of a chance of possibly having something with someone that I didn't really know all that well. I let her know, and on my last day in San Diego said my goodbyes to her, and got a warm hug from her. I knew my phone numbers would be changing, so I left her an email address, and told her that if she ever got the itch to say hi that I'd love to hear from her.

I eagerly checked my email on a regular basis, but never heard from her. Then I talked to my co-worker. She had apparently had a conversation with Melinda, and Melinda had told her how much she thought it sucked that I had moved away before the divorce had settled because I was such a sweet guy. Upon hearing this, my heart jumped. I already had plans to visit San Diego within a few weeks (first weekend of November), so I resolved to call her at work (the only way that I knew how to get ahold of her) and see if we could get together.

The butterflies were horrid when I made the call, but I made myself do it anyways. Now, when I gave her my email address, I had written down my full name, so she could distinguish me from the bazillion other Mike's in the world, and when she had talked to my co-worker, she had referred to me by my first name. So it left me a little confused when I called her at work, and had my announcement of who it was calling her met with a "who?". Half a sentence of explaining how she knew me elicited a more favorable response, as she suddenly sounded very excited to hear from me. When I asked if she would want to get together, she didn't hesitate to agree, and volunteer her cell phone number to me. I told her I'd call her the following week before I came to town to set things up.

I made the call 4 or 5 days later. No answer. I left her a voicemail and waited for her to call back. I didn't hear back from her for two agonizing days. When she called me back I missed the call, and we spent most of the day playing phone tag. When we finally talked, it felt a little awkward, but we talked for nearly an hour, I think. She wasn't entirely sure of what her weekend was going to be like or what she would be able to work out for her 2 year old son, so she asked me to call when I got into town. I did, went to voicemail, and she called back within a few hours (she had needed to work late that night). She was still unsure of the babysitting situation, but the conversation was less awkward, and the spark seemed to be there again. She said she'd call me the next day. The next day came, and I got no call. That evening I finally called her, and she apologized for not calling, and we set up a time and place to have breakfast the next morning, but since she was still not sure if she'd have a babysitter, we decided to just meet there.

I showed up about 10 minutes early. She called saying she was running late, and arrived about 30 minutes late. Breakfast was nice. There was no awkwardness between us, but the spark was missing. It felt more like old friends catching up. She even said a few things that smelled of "just friends". When she gave me a hug after breakfast, it was a little bit wierd, and not nearly as warm as the one I had received when I moved away. But she did ask when I'd be in town again (which I told her would be the weekend of Christmas), and told me that we should get together again the next time.

Between the lack of electricity between us, and all her "just friends" signals, I was a bit concerned. But she did want to meet up again, and I knew how I had felt when I was around her before, so I fully intended to take her up on her offer. But her divorce wasn't final, and I had sort of agreed to give her the space she wanted until that was done and over with, so I didn't contact her much in between. About a week before Christmas I tried to call her, and her cell phone had been disconnected. I called her at work again, and she immediately apologized and gave me the new cell phone number (once again, she did this without my asking for it). I let her know that I was actually planning to be in town for both Xmas and New Years weekends, so if she still wanted to get together we could do it either weekend. She told me to call her when I got into town, but that I could call before that "if I wanted to catch up".

I called a few days later to catch up. No answer. No call back. I called when I got into town. No answer. No call back. Christmas morning comes, and I send her a short text message wishing her a Merry Christmas. She responds immediately with the same, telling me that she's sorry for not calling, and that its because her son has been really sick. She then tells me that she'll call that night after she's put her son to bed. I let her know that I'm sorry about her son being sick on Christmas. She never calls. I'm thinking she's blowing me off at this point, but decide to give it another try since we did talk about getting together one weekend out of the two that I would be in town. So I call and leave a voicemail mid-week. I tell her that I'd still like to get together, but that if I don't hear back from her that I understand (I'm very careful with my tone on this so that I don't sound annoyed or bitter, but I want to make the point that if I don't hear back from her that she won't hear from me again).

This time I get an almost instant response in the form of another text message. Once again, she's apologizing for not calling, telling me that her son is still sick, and that she's been missing work. She tells me that she wants to get together, and tells me to "please call me when your in town again". I kind of felt bad (though I'm not sure why now, since I feel answering her phone, or returning the call to tell me what's going on wouldn't have taken a whole lot of time and would have put my mind at ease) for continually calling/texting her, when her son was sick, and I write her back saying that I'm sorry if I'm being a pest. She responds telling me that I'm "never a pest" and that she's looking forward to seeing me soon.

So, of course, I do call her when I get back into town. No answer. No call back. At this point, I figure that she knows that I'm in town, and that if she really wants to get together, and isn't simply using me to satisfy some need for attention, that she'll make the effort. I had no intention of calling her again. While I was visiting a friend the day of New Years Eve, I gave him the lowdown of what had been going on, and he reaffirmed my own thoughts that it "doesn't look good" and that it sounded like she might be stringing me along for the attention.

As it got later into the night, I had pretty much written her off. Then I get a text message about 20 or 30 minutes before the New Year. She once again apologizes for not calling, wishes me a Happy New Year, asks how long I'll be in town for, and wants to know if we can still get together. I wished her a Happy New Year and let her know that I'd be leaving Monday morning. I didn't answer her question about meeting up. I hate playing games, but I needed her to actually make some effort in all of this for me to continue on. The next morning she sends me another text asking if I'd like to come over to her place for dinner, and we could get takeout.

I had to read that about a dozen times to make sure she had actually said that. It just didn't seem to follow everything that had been happening, and I had to figure out how I wanted to reply to it. I answered with "dinner is fine. just let me know when and where." Nothing sounding too eager or excited. She responded "Great! I'll call you this afternoon!" Knowing how "i'll call you" had worked so far with her, I didn't get my hopes up, but I left the evening open just in case. Surprisingly, this time she called as promised, told me that she was on her way to pick up her son, then she'd be heading home, and that I could come over anytime after 6. She gave me half the directions and told me to call when I got close and she'd give me the rest. I was at a bar at the time (no, I wasn't getting drunk), and was in no rush to get out of there, so I left just a little bit before six to make the 20-30 minute drive.

When I got close, I called. No answer. I left her a voicemail, and my mind raced. "What the hell is this?" was basically what it all amounted to. She called back a few minutes later, putting my mind at ease. We talked about what we wanted for dinner, then told me she'd call it in, and I could pick it up. It felt a little wierd, but I went with it. After getting dinner, I headed over to her place, and we had dinner, talked, and watched some TV. Her son was very shy towards me at first (he apparently is shy towards men in general, and doesn't warm up to them very quickly at all), but was coming to me rather than his mother to fix his pajamas, which I thought was very cute. I played with him with a ball a little bit as well. However, there was no spark between Melinda and myself once again and nothing happened. It felt more like old friends. She let me know that she was once again trying to move away to Michigan to live with some family there, get away from things for awhile, and go back to school.

Regardless, in some ways that night was the best night of my life. Me and her feeling very relaxed and comfortable, with her little boy. In a way it very much had a feeling of family to it, and made me realize just how much I long for this kind of life.

On the way out, I gave her the Christmas card that had been burning a hole in my pocket for over a week. I wanted her to read it after I left, since it had a lot of personal stuff written in it. She asked when I'd be back in town. I didn't really know, and told her that, but let her told her that I'd let her know.

The gist of the card was me wishing her a Merry Christmas, letting her know that I was glad that her divorce was over so that she could move on with her life, thanking her for handling my crush on her the way she did (continuing to be friendly, rather than distancing herself), told her that I hoped we'd continue to get to know each other in the future, and let her know that she could always call me if she needed anything. At the bottom, considering all the no answer, no call back stuff that had been happening, I added that if I was being a hangaround and that my attention was unwanted, that I needed her to tell me that, and I'd honor it.

About halfway back to where I was staying for the night I got a very long text message from her thanking me for the Christmas card, telling me that my attentions were both wanted and appreciated, and that she wished she had more time to spend with me. She went on to tell me that she looked forward to getting to know me better as well, telling me that she felt the same about me as I did her, and that she hoped to talk to me soon. She finished by telling me that she had had a really nice time with me, and hoped that I had too.

I sent on back letting her know that I had enjoyed spending time with her, thanked her for having me over, and asked her to keep me updated about her potential move across the country. She responded, telling me that she would definitely let me know, and told me that she was sorry if she had ever done anything to make me feel like she didn't want me around.

I was going to bed around the time that this message came in, so I decided to reply the next day. When I did, part of me wanted to be honest and tell her that her flakiness in answering/returning my calls had indeed made me feel that way, but decided against it, and simply told her that she hadn't done anything of the sort. Didn't get any response.

A couple days later, while at work I broke a mirror. It reminded me instantly of a story Melinda had told me about breaking a mirror herself a few days before I was over at her place. So I thought she'd get a kick out of the strange coincidence, and sent her a short text telling her about it. No response. Three or four days ago, I decided to send her another just saying hi, and asking how she was doing. No response.

Now, I don't think there's a potential relationship here, but I haven't completely written it off, as I still know how I once felt. On the other hand, what she tells me when she does talk to me, and what she does when she doesn't talk to me (ignoring calls and texts) are sending very conflicting messages to me.

The thing about her is this. She seems to be so completely and unwaveringly nice. I've always felt like I was good at figuring people out. Lot's of people put on a nice face, but occasionally let their guard down and you can see something not so nice underneath. I've payed a lot of attention to Melinda, and I have never once seen that flicker of a hidden personality. And when she talks to me any doubt I've ever had about her instantly melts away, and I think she's absolutely the sweetest person I've ever met. The way I see it, one of two things is going on here. She really is what I think she is, but is also one of the flakiest people I've ever met. Or she is the best "nice faker" I've ever met, and has the wool pulled completely over my eyes.

If she's the first of those two, then I'm glad to have offered her my unconditional friendship. Even if there is no relationship in our future, I care a lot about her, and would do just about anything for her. If she's the second, then making her that offer was probably a mistake. Either way, it IS unconditional. If she ignored me for the next 10 years, then suddenly called me out of the blue in a time of need, I'd be there for her.

So there it is, all of this is what has made me so unhappy out here in Vegas. I'm feeling cheated by my employer, ignored by someone that I truly care about, and like a failure in my social life. 4 months deep, and I still feel alone in a strange town.

So I apologize again for my sob story. But I had find a way of getting this out of my system.